Subtle Matters – Striving for the fine balance

Mohan was now determined to deal with his superstitions. He thought that he must first assess the extent to which he had become superstitious. He started writing all the acts which he did slyly without any logic but just out of his belief. He first wrote about his tendency to repeating himself twice mentally. Then, he wrote about his uncontrollable habit of genuflecting to God’s idol innumerable times. He also wrote about him offering prayers mentally while playing or while doing anything important, where he was looking for special favors from God.

Next, he decided to fathom his mind to find the reason for him to perform these acts. He found that he was repeating himself to reinforce his belief in what he was saying. He wondered why he felt the need for reinforcing his belief on himself at the first place. Then, he found that he was genuflecting multiple times to ensure that God doesn’t become angry with him, just in case he had done any half hearted greetings or prayers unintentionally. He also found that the reason for him offering prayers while playing was to get God’s blessings and support for him good performance in the game.
It was amply clear to him that he lacked self confidence big time. He thought that he was dependent on an external God for every small thing in his life and if for any reason he could not get the favor from God, he was doomed. He wondered that the devotion to God which he tried to achieve with so much effort, had turned him from a God-loving person to a God -fearing person. He was contemplating his next way out of his superstitions. Should he stop believing in God and become an athiest as a knee jerk reaction? The next moment he was fearful of those idea for he might attract some grave punishment from God. Then he thought that even believing in God has brought him to this stage. Perhaps, he had to find a balance between believing in God and believing in self. But how could he believe on both? Sensing that this chain of thought was not taking him anywhere, he decided to spend next few days in awareness of all this and see if he was able to decide how next course.
Over next free days, he noticed that he was consciously stopping himself from acting out of his superstitions on several occasions. However, there still were some instances in a day when he would mindlessly get into acting out of his superstitions, specially in endless kneeling and bowing to the idols. He was still happy with whatever control he was able to achieve on his superstitions, hoping that with time he might overcome the rest of his superstitions too.


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